So, I’m less than 3 weeks away from my last day at Transgender Law Center. The timing feels right with my internal clocks– the ones set to my Oprah-style-destiny-path– and as I head down the home stretch, I feel restless and focused on making my home more livable. In the last few weeks I’ve undertaken a number of home improvement projects, including one I can’t tell the landlord about (does it count as capital improvements if I do it myself?). Martha Beck says this nesting period is a classic sign of being in “square two” of the “change cycle.” other signs: hope returns (cue crying at every single olympics event i watch on bbc), you change your personal appearance (full beard to goatee– check), you start doing things you’ve never done before (coaching football, traveling to Vancouver, setting up a weight bench in my apartment), and, of course, settling in on a clear, focused picture of what you want your life to look like (getting there, but swinging pendulum-like towards and away from it).
I can list these signs off the top of my head because, in the 9 years since a friend gifted me /Finding Your Own North Star/, I’ve read it cover-to-cover once or twice and drilled myself on the topics multiple times. I’ve found the 4-stage change cycle to be a magnificently helpful unifying concept for understanding and making informed decisions about my life.
After spending so many daytime hours in relatively dry work (policy, admin, planning, developing my down-to-earth and reliability skill set), I feel uncomfortable talking about big picture hopes and dreams again. Things that aren’t tested, evaluated, evidence-based. Thinking that way is one thing, but voicing them aloud in a public space is different. But I miss writing too much to let my crust of grown-up self-protection take priority over my more basic need for self-expression. I’m listening to my intuition, but still afraid it could vanish into an un-findable frequency. Using my magical antennae to feel out the universe of my perceptions, but worried they might fall off. Particularly when the stability and protection of a biweekly paycheck ends all at once.
Sparrow, the smaller cat, is alternating between curiosity and fear with all the changes at home. Today she was very interested in the new corn-based litter I’m trying out in the bonus litter box. She did /not/ like how it tasted, but went and huddled out in the open on the rug by the front door instead of under the bed or in the closet. Finch has mostly been meowing for affection and food. People are always talking about themselves when they talk about their animals. Pro tip from /Anand’s Life Lessons/.
Okay, well, enough bravery for one night. There, I’ve faced you, fear of exposure and public humiliation (vulnerability). Time to start my 30-minute bedtime routine.